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Saturday, January 9, 2010

Obama Concedes, Draws Criticism from Conservatives

In a press conference this weekend, Obama admitted that the conservatives have been right all along on pretty much every issue, touching off more sharp criticism from conservative commentators for not going far enough.

When pressed for specifics, the president began to waver, saying that "they've been right and we've been wrong on pretty much all the issues of our time." This was taken as a slap in the face to those on the right hoping for a more broad admission to being wrong about every historical issue as well.

"On health care," the president continued, "they've been right to focus on business profitability and philosophical threats from early twentieth century political movements rather than public health data and the impacts of public health policy. On foreign policy, they've been right to focus more on immediate and generous aggression and the scaling back of civil liberties rather than on careful application of diplomacy and force that takes into account historical baggage and cultural differences and aims at well-defined objectives. Even on my status as an American. I have to admit that the official record of my birth with the state of Hawaii is a fraud...." This last point prompted outrage from numerous groups on the far right, demanding that he stop lying and admit that those documents don't actually exist.

In the final question of the conference, when asked if he would admit once and for all that "everything President Obama says is a lie," he drew a hard line and refused, saying "I wish I could, but I think it would invoke a logical paradox.... I'll have my press secretary work on it. I think we can deliver that message without as much ambiguity or absurdity if we do it in just the right way." As one outraged blogger exclaimed about this assertion "Liberal elitist bullshit! Who cares about some pair of ducks? What does that even mean? Obviously, he's not an American. He doesn't even talk like one!"